Bug Spray

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The rancher was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my pasture buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The rancher sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the rancher.
The next morning, the rancher and his family trooped out to the pasture.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The rancher was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Who Says Rednecks Aren't Bright?

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy."

Redneck Computer Terms

Backup: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Bug: The reason you gave for calling in sick
Byte: What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro
Cache: Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip: Pasture muffins you try not to step in
Terminal: Time to call the undertaker
Crash: When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital: The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette: Female Disco dancer
Fax: What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hardcopy: Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet: Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Mac: Big Bubba's favorite food
Megahertz: How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem: What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Mouse Pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online: Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM: Where the Pope lives
Screen: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
Serial Port: A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor: Amtrak's employee of the year
SCSI: What you call your week old underwear

Forty-one things you'll never hear a Southerner say:

 41. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.  
 40. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
 38. Duct tape won't fix that.
 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
 35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
 33. You can't feed that to the dog.
 32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
 30. Wrasslin's fake.
 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
 28. We're vegetarians.
 27. Do you think my gut is too big?
 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
 25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
 24. Who's Richard Petty?
 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
 19. Trim the fat off that steak.
 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
 17. The tires on that truck are too big.
 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
 15. I've got it all on the C drive.
 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
 9. Checkmate.
 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
 5. I don't have a favorite college team.
 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
 And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is
 1. Elvis who?

THESE TWO GUYS ARE IN A 2ND STORY BAR AND ONE GUY BETS THE OTHER GUY 50 DOLLARS THAT HE CAN JUMP OUT THE WINDOW AND FLY RIGHT BACK IN. IN DISBELIEF THE OTHER GUY TAKES THE BET AND THE FIRST GUY JUMPS OUT AND FLIES STRAIGHT BACK IN. IN AMAZMENT THE 2ND GUYS ASKS HOW HE DID IT AND THE FIRST GUY SAYS HE WILL TELL HIM FOR 50 MORE DOLLARS. THE GUY PAYS HIM AND THE FIRST GUY TELLS HIM- "IN THE WINDOW OF THE FIRST FLOOR THERE IS A AIR VENT THAT BLOWS AIR STRAIGHT UP AND IF U JUMP OUT, IT WILL CARRY U BACK IN THE 2ND STORY WINDOW." THE 2ND GUY, STILL IN DISBELIEF RUNS AND JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW AND THEN SPLAT!!! HE FALLS TO THE PAVEMENT AND DIES INSTANTLY. THEN THE BAR TENDER TURNS TO THE FIRST GUY AND SAYS "DAMN SUPERMAN, YOU'RE A MEAN DRUNK!

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the yankee tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. Desormeaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin," Desormeaux began.
"Good work Desormeaux! Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," said Desormeaux, "I went down and done seed at cock fight, I knowed de Aggies was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight."
The sergeant nodded. "Ok, I'll buy that, but what about the others?"
Desormeaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de cajuns was involved wen sumbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant. "And how did you deduce that the mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."

Four guys are driving cross-country together one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground I'm sick of looking at them!" A few more miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I can hardly stand to look at them. Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

BEAR HUNTING

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Subject: Windows 2000 Southern Edition
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 23:00:46 EDT

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped elsewhere. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique  opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped  with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Please also note:

  The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
  My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
  Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
  Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
  Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
  Floppies are "them li'l ole plastic disc thangs"
  Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape"pops up

  CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
  OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
  Cancel . . . . . . . . stopdat
  Reset . . . . . . . . try er agin
  Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
  No . . . . . . . . . . nope
  Find . . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
  Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
  Back . . . . . . . . . back yonder
  Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
  Stop . . . . . . . . . kwitit
  Start . . . . . . . crank 'er up
  Settings . . . . . . settin's
  Programs . . . . . . . stuff at duz stuff
  Documents . . . . . . stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize  capital letters or punctuation marks.

  Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
  Tiperiter . . . . . . .A word processing program
  colerin book . . . . a graphics program
  cyferin mersheen . . . calculator
  outhouse paper . . . . notepad
  inner-net . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 5.5
  pitchers . . . . . . A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION by  mistake. You may return it to Microsoft for a  replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!

   Billy Bob Gates
   Head Honcho

SIMPLE RULES GIRLS DON'T KNOW

1. Nothing says "I love you" like a bl*wj*b in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship".
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says "I love you" like a bl*wj*b in the morning.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the wheel and the truck is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
39. Nothing says "I love you" like a bl*wj*b in the morning.

A Redneck Valentine

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas.

You move like the Bass, Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud;
I hold my head high When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me Back in '74.

Still them fellers at work They all want to know,
What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant Upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank,
We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.  "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, These will not do.
For you are too special, You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds it's a new trollin' motor

A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the population would be controlled. I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association. Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said: "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep, they're eating them!!"

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the Doctor!

Not exactly huntin humor, but anyone from the South might appreciate this!

You Might Be From A Small Town If.........


1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H is.
3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
4. You used to drag "main."
5. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't---same goes with the game warden.
7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
8. School gets canceled for state sporting events.
9. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
10. You had senior skip day.
11. You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
12. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
13. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
14. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
15. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
16. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
17. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
18. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
19. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
20. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
21. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
22. Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.
23. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
24. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.
25. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
26. You can charge at all the local stores.
27. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
28. You can drive golf carts, 4 wheelers, and go carts in town.
29. When someone gets pulled over the whole town drives by at least twice.
30. Everyone else hears it on their scanners.
31. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties.
32. Almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your school.
33. Your only newspaper was a weekly.
34. It doesn't take much to amuse you.
35. Your first smoke was straw out in the barn.
36. Your summer swimming was often done in a pond or a gravel pit.
37. You never waited long at stop lights, but regularly waited 15 minutes at the railroad crossings.

TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK

LOG ON:  Makin a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF:  Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR:  Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD:  Gettin the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ:  When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.
FLOPPY DISC:  Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
RAM:  That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE:  Gittin home in the winter time.
PROMPT:  Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS:  Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
SCREEN:  Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
BYTE:  Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP:  Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP:  Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.
MODEM:  Whutcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX:  Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP:  Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD:  Whar ya hang the dang keys.
SOFTWARE:  Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
MOUSE:  Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAINFRAME:  Holds up the barn roof.
PORT:  Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER:  Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:  Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the rifle when
yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD:  That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Especially for the holiday season..... don't bake & drive :-) 

Fruitcake Recipe
 
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey [Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]
 
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. 

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
 
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
 
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. 
 
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
 
Check the whiskey. 

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
 
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
 
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway? 

Special Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his
friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.  His
curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him
a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a
wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods.
That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and
chased him away.  Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that.  But a bit later we
had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn.
Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck,
woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had
herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though.  When my
tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond
I was knocked clean out.  When I came to, that pig had dove
into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded.  Sure did
save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine.  Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't
want to eat all at once."

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..........

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You think a cur is a breed of dog.
You handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever been in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your mama has torn her best dress while coon hunting.
You've ever bathed in flea and tick shampoo.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree for relief.
You have your local taxidermist on speed dial.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.